Understanding Internal Family Systems (Parts)
Navigating the the landscape of therapy, coaching, and trauma can be overwhelming. In my 15-year journey, I've experienced just about every modality in existence. In retrospect, there is one framework that consistently emerges as the clearest map to understanding my inner world: Internal Family Systems (IFS), crafted by Dr. Richard Schwartz.
Dubbed "parts" work, IFS introduces us to the concept that our minds are not monolithic but a gathering of distinct subpersonalities, each with its own perspectives and roles. These internal characters fall into three main categories: Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters, each playing a critical part in our psychological makeup (or Ego).
This summary is not intended to introduce the concept of IFS but, rather, to assist those with a cursory understanding of their own parts to navigate some common pitfalls of parts-work. The ego is brilliant and sometimes a bit sneaky in its strategy to protect us. My objective is to offer some clarity on the different “parts” we will encounter and offer some questions to help you connect with yours. I will also share a few of my favorite books and resources that have helped me in my journey.
First, let’s start with a break-down of each component with examples and ways to differentiate the various types of parts:
PART 1 - An Overview of Parts
1. Exiles
Overview: Exiles are parts that carry the burdens of trauma, pain, and intense emotions such as fear, shame, or loneliness. These parts are often isolated from consciousness because their pain is deemed too overwhelming or disruptive.
Examples: A part that holds childhood neglect or a part that carries the pain of a significant rejection.
What to Look For: Exiles often manifest as feelings of vulnerability, deep sadness, or fear that seem disproportionate to the current situation. They may be triggered by current events that resemble past traumas.
Differentiation: Unlike Managers and Firefighters, Exiles are not trying to control or mitigate situations actively. Instead, they are the ones being protected and often remain hidden until a person feels safe enough to address their pain.
2. Managers
Overview: Managers are proactive parts that work to keep the person safe from harm and to maintain control of the individual's environment and relationships. They manage life's demands and protect the Exiles from becoming triggered.
Examples: A perfectionist part that strives to avoid criticism or failure, or a caretaking part that prioritizes others' needs to prevent rejection.
What to Look For: Managers often manifest through behaviors or attitudes aimed at preventing vulnerability or pain. This might include controlling behaviors, critical inner dialogues, or constant planning and worrying.
Differentiation: Managers try to prevent Exiles' pain from surfacing by controlling situations or emotions in advance. They operate from a place of prevention, unlike Firefighters, who react to soothe or distract from pain that has already surfaced.
3. Firefighters
Overview: Firefighters jump into action when an Exile's pain becomes too intense or close to consciousness. They aim to extinguish or numb the pain through impulsive actions or distractions.
Examples: A part that uses substances like alcohol or drugs to numb pain, or a part that seeks out risky behaviors to distract from emotional suffering.
What to Look For: Firefighter activity is characterized by impulsivity or behaviors aimed at escaping emotional distress. This can include binge eating, substance abuse, or any compulsive behavior that provides immediate relief from pain.
Differentiation: Unlike Managers, who work to prevent pain from being triggered in the first place, Firefighters are reactive, springing into action to deal with pain that has already surfaced. Their methods are often more extreme and aimed at immediate relief.
4. The “Self”
Overview: The Self is considered the core of the individual, characterized by the qualities of calmness, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, clarity, connectedness, and creativity. The Self is distinct from the parts (Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters) and is seen as the essence of an individual that can lead and unify the internal system in a healing and balanced manner. It is not burdened by the wounds or roles that parts carry and can therefore guide the system with wisdom and compassion.
Examples: A sense of calm and understanding when dealing with internal conflicts, or the ability to listen to and address the needs of different parts without judgment.
What to Look For: The presence of the Self is often felt as a sense of inner peace, balance, and an innate knowing of what is right for the individual's wellbeing. When the Self is leading, decisions are made with clarity, compassion towards oneself and others is easily accessed, and challenges are approached with confidence and calmness.
Differentiation: Unlike the parts (Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters), which are driven by their roles and burdens, the Self is not entangled with past experiences or fears. The Self is able to approach internal and external challenges with a holistic and balanced perspective, fostering harmony among the parts. The Self's guidance is not about suppressing or fighting against parts but about understanding, integrating, and harmonizing them.
PART 2 - Working with Your Parts . . .
In IFS therapy, the goal is to achieve an integrated and harmonious internal system where all parts are acknowledged and can express their concerns and needs in healthy ways. This involves recognizing and respecting the roles of Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters, and helping them transform in a way that supports the individual's overall wellbeing. The process encourages dialogue with these parts, understanding their intentions, and meeting their needs without harm, thereby fostering internal healing and balance. As a disclaimer, I would strongly recommend you seek a professional who is trained in IFS to help you navigate the process of healing. The following exercise can provide an overview of the process you might experience or a helpful framework for your own post-therapeutic work.
Here are 12 questions you can explore to better understand a part that is active in your system . . .
Notice Your Feelings: What emotions are you feeling right now? Can you name them?
"Right now, I'm feeling incredibly anxious and a bit hopeless. It's like a mix of fear and pressure constantly bearing down on me."
What does it feel like: What are the thoughts feelings, body sensations - where do you notice the feeling?
"The anxiety feels like a tightness in my chest, almost as if I can't breathe fully. My thoughts are racing, always jumping to the worst-case scenarios. I notice this feeling most in the morning, right when I wake up, and it's like a heavy weight is sitting on my chest."
Understand the Role: What do you think is the role or purpose of this part? Is it trying to protect you, alert you, or something else? Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn?
"This part is definitely trying to protect me. It's in a constant state of alert, always on the lookout for potential threats to my ability to provide. It's operating in a fight mode, always ready to tackle problems head-on to prevent failure."
Notice the Activation: What activates or triggers this part? Or what causes it to blend with you or take over your system?
"This part gets activated by thoughts of bills, any unexpected expenses, or when I perceive that I'm not doing enough for my family. It blends with me most when I'm under financial stress or when I start comparing our situation to others."
Learn the Origin: When did this part first emerge in your life? Can you recall the first time you felt this way?
"I think this part first emerged when I got laid off years ago. That was the first time I felt this intense fear of not being able to provide, and it's like that part decided it needed to be on guard all the time to prevent it from happening again."
Assess the Impact: How does this part affect your behavior, thoughts, or feelings towards others?
"It makes me irritable and withdrawn. I'm so focused on working or worrying that I push my family away, which is the opposite of what I want. It also makes me overwork, impacting my health and mood."
Explore the Fear: What is this part afraid of? What does it believe might happen if it doesn't do its job?
"This part is terrified of failure and the shame associated with not being able to support my family. It believes if it doesn't keep pushing, we'll end up in a bad situation, and I'll be a failure as a provider."
Acknowledge the Intent: How is this part trying to help you? Even if the outcomes are not positive, what is the part attempting to accomplish?
"It's trying to keep us safe and secure. It wants to ensure that we never have to face financial ruin or the embarrassment of not having enough. It's doing what it thinks is best to protect us from harm."
Consider Its Needs: What does this part need to feel understood, relaxed, or healed?
"This part needs reassurance that we're okay, that it's doing a good job, and that it's okay to take breaks. It needs to hear that my worth isn't solely based on my ability to provide materially."
Evaluate Relationships: How does this part interact with other parts within you? Is it in conflict or harmony with them?
"It's in conflict with the parts of me that want to be present and enjoy life. There's a part that wants to relax and trust that things will work out, but the anxious part dominates, causing internal strife."
Imagine Its Absence: What would change if this part were not leading? How would you feel or behave differently?
"If this part weren't leading, I think I'd be more present and relaxed. I'd enjoy the small moments more without the shadow of worry. I'd be more connected with my family, instead of being preoccupied with work and financial planning."
Seek Its Permission: Are you able to ask this part if it would be willing to step back or allow other parts to lead? What does it need to feel safe enough to do so?
"Asking it to step back is hard, but I think it needs to know that it's okay to trust other parts of me. It needs assurance that being less vigilant won't mean disaster. It needs to feel that its efforts have been enough and that it can relax without losing control."
PART 3 - How to Learn More . . .
A few of my favorite books on the topic of IFS are:
No Bad Parts by Dr. Richard Schwartz (Link)
We All Have Parts by Colleen West (Link)
IFS Institute (Link)
One of my favorite movies that unintentionally explores parts integration is “The Kid” - A Disney film featuring Bruce Willis.
Finally, this link has additional resources, books, podcasts, and movies on IFS - https://www.stroudtherapy.com/news/onlineresources-jjtmy
